I think my friend is gay...?

Right, I know people must be getting bored of this kind of post, but I believe he is living in denial, and is in the position I was in a year ago.


I am bisexual, and a year ago I thought I was gay, and I got really upset about this. I didn't have anything against gays (And still don't), I just didn't want to be one. However, this is the case, and I have come to realize that. It doesn’t bother me any more; in fact, I guess I’m proud, in a way.


Anyway, My friend reminds me of myself when I was in denial; very sensitive to any words suggesting homosexuality, really hurt and affected by the use of the insult gay, and other things.


Recently, we've started to flirt with each other, as a bit of a laugh, and the man-flirting seems to come as naturally to him as it comes to me. I told him I was bisexual recently, since the flirting. As he is like my best friend, He was very good about this; obviously he was a little creeper out at first, as anyone would be. But, he knows how much I trust him by telling him that information, that only a select few of around 5 people know, and since then, he’s been flirting a lot more, and been giving me different eye contact, he looks kind of affectionate. He has recently had a relationship with a girl, which didn’t go well, however I was quite concerned at how touchy feely he was. I am to believe that he touched her “woman’s spot”. This reminds me of when I was in denial, and I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t gay.


On the bus one day, I told him that I had strange feelings for him, that I didn’t understand, and with that news, He completely ignored me, and then faced the window. I could see from his reflection that he was smiling, then confused among other emotions. He continued to ignore me, until I pulled him round and talked some sense into him. He told me that he no longer trusted me, and that he didn’t want me anywhere near him. I knew he didn’t mean that, our friendship is too good for him to have meant it.


I was proved right on the following day, when he started talking to me, and apologizing for the things he said. He looked generally sorry and I got that look from his eyes of “I really should’ve done that to you, now I’ve wrecked everything between us”, which of course he hadn’t. After that, the flirting became more intense, and he seemed to be the dominant one in the ‘relationship’, to a point where he started threatening me to do stuff. He never used to be violent, especially towards me; I think he’s confused about his feelings towards me. I think he kind of fancies me, and hates himself and me for it.


At the time of his relationship with the girl, rumors were spread around about him being gay, and using her to cover it up. As I had previously thought this may be the case, I was interested. I started talking to him, and he promised on his life that he isn’t gay or bi, but I’m not sure if I believe him.


Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that, I think he might be gay/bi, and I think he is in denial and is confused, and as I have gone through this kind of experience, I want to help him. I want to help my best friend deal with such matters. I think he’s embarrassed about this, I mean, I had lots of help from a close female friend with my sexuality ‘problem’, and I only told her because I was very very very depressed about it, almost suicidal with that, and other school factors. If it wasn’t for her, I doubt I would’ve told anyone, and I would be in the same situation as him.


I know how much better I felt when it was all out in the open; I want to be able to do the same for him.


I think my friend is gay...?
First, realize how good of a friend you are. You have the best intentions here, and you are going to make him and probably all your friends very happy.


You are right, he clearly needs support. You implied a type of society that does not really accept homosexuality, and you seem logical enough to understand that he probably does like guys.


To be a good friend, I would do two things.


First, make sure he sees you as a constant. Let him know, either subtly or just come right out and tell him that you will be his friend no matter what he tells you and (importantly) no matter what mistakes he makes as your friend. This is a hard thing to do, so don't make that promise unless you mean it. However, being this kind of friend is rewarding. If he knows that you will still be their for him even if you offend him (as in the situation you described), he will start to trust you even more.


Second, stand as an example of someone who accepted this about himself and is ok. Either tell him or show him that you accept this about yourself, that in general, being gay does not change anything about a person. Having an example to give him the opposite idea than the rest of the school will help him come to the conclusion that its just not that big a deal, that its ok to accept.





But seriously, just by standing by him and doing what you already are doing, you are already acting like the female friend who helped you.





Good luck!I think my friend is gay...?
i read you entire crap and there isn't a question. you just wasted my time..
Be there for him by listening.


Don't be pushy or try to pressure him into coming out before he's ready.


Just accept him for who he is; build upon your friendship.
Both of you sound so vulnerable and emotional.





First, please relax. If you want him to talk about incredibly personal and confusing matters with you, he has to see you as calm, reliable, fun, and a source of strength.





And are you serious with the flirting? Then you have a double motivation -- you aren't only into this so you can help him, you are also interested in him for romance. That's okay, but you have to be up front about that.





On the other hand, if you really are serious, be ready to snuggle naked at the right time, for he may be led on by it.





The flirting sounds confusing too. He is violent because he doesn't know about his own feelings (or is ashamed of them), *and* he also doesn't know for sure whether you are serious or whether you would reject his advances. And maybe part of him really wants to make love with you, and part of him is terrified of that.





For right now, I'd relax. And I'd do some fun stuff with him just for the fun of it. And I'd watch a movie with him and snuggle on the couch while watching it. (And anything else I could to be affectionate and close, like hugging, whatever). Then, finally, I'd be breathtakingly honest and tell him about your own struggles, and how much this all has cost you emotionally. If you are honest with him, and tell him that sometimes you like guys and sometimes you get so lonely or whatever, then he will be much more likely to be honest with you. But if he fears you are teasing him, he may just become upset.





Give him time. Relax. Be a friend and love this guy. DON'T JUDGE HIM.





And...find out what his issues are with homosexuality. Is it just about what others think, or are there religious or family issues involved too? Make sure you know what is going on in his mind when the time comes. But for now...be close...be fun...snuggle...show yourself trustworthy and calm and loving.





EDIT: One more thought. It's just possible that he is predominantly straight, but he also loves you as his best friend and therefore isn't quite sure how far to go with you or how to deal with the situation. But again, he may not feel free to be honest with you unless you have first been more in depth honest with him. And if you find out he really does like girls...accept that and let it be.





Hugs!