How can I trust him a second time? What do you think of all of this?

So this past year has been very rocky for my husband and I. I was at my husbands military christmas party and one of his lady co-workers seemed to be acting very strange. I felt funny about it. When we drove home I asked my husband about it. I also asked him how he felt about her. He casually said, ';he was close to her, No really close to her';. I about dropped my jaw at him saying that so openly. I talked to him about it and asked him what he meant and he said, ';we're just friends close friends from being in the same platoon together for so many years.'; I still didn't feel very good about it, So I got snoopy. (No Im not proud of it) But glad I did. I found in his e-mail that he left open on accident that he was e-mailing her and asking to have lunch with her at drill weekends. He was e-mailing her regularly. The e-mail did just seem friendly - not sexual or anything, but he would say maybe we can have lunch this weekend. Then I found he was also signed up for a Adult web site. Which REALLY HURT. I have always loved my husband and been faithful to him so this was a blow to me. Because I had already forgave him for cheating on me when we lived over seas in Italy. He went to school (in the military) and on his off time he would go to a bar and drink with another Navy guy and was sitting with two ladies which over the five weeks turned into dancing and kissing. I was so hurt the first time because I was pregnant at the time and far from all my family. Took a long time to get over but he promised it would NEVER EVER happen again. So to get back to the recent.....I am having a hard time dealing with all of this again. He swere's he did nothing with the lady from the military other than a dinner and talking at lunch and swere's most of the time other people from the platoon was there.


But then I found out he was flirting with ladies on Myspace, man things just kept getting worse. I was going crazy. I even found a saved phone number from an old girlfriend. He said they messaged each other on classmates and then later looked her number up and saved it in his work phone, but that he never used it. How do I trust him. He has given all his codes to me and swere's I am his only one. But I know Cheaters will lie till they go to their GRAVE. So I am always on my toes. We have been to counseling a few times, it did help, But I am still having a hard time.....He promised me the first time he cheated he would never be with a lady alone again, but then he went to dinner with her and lied to me about it, He says, He lied to me because he knew i'd be mad and there was nothing to the dinner, but friendship.





He gets very mad at me when I bring up his past, or when i tell him I don't trust him. He just doesn't get what he has destoried. We are very very close as a couple, (I know that sounds weird) But we are always holding hands, kissing and everyone tells us how cute we are as a couple and wish they could find a relationship like that. Yes our sex life is GREAT also. At least everyday and usually more than that. Yes we have four kids. Yes we have to be creative. We have been married 19 1/2 years now. But I just don't know what to think. Does he really love me, Why do men flirt with women ';IF THEY LOVE THERE WIFES SO MUCH'; I JUST DONT KNOW IF I CAN EVER TRUST HIM AGAIN. I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART. But I feel like things will never be the same again. We have a week or two that goes great and then all my frustrations come back from a flash back. How does one EVER REALLY know if someone is truely sorry????????? I wish I could really know if he love's me. I cry often, but he doesn't know it. I cry because I miss (the KNOWING my husband LOVED ME) It's a feeling I wish I could get back.





I haven't told anyone about all this (except the counselor) and I have to always acted like my marriage is great to our family etc. I don't want everyone to know what he has done. One its embarrasing for me and I don't want anyone to think badly of him. I know thats sounds stupid. But You gotta understand I LOVE HIM and I don't want him hurt in anyway. We have enough pain between us dealing with it than to involve others. Also another reason is our son went though Cancer for a year and We've had enough pain, so envolving others just would add to it. This is way I am sharing it here. I need to get it out. I know he doesn't want to loose ';US'; when I mentioned leaving him he feel apart crying begging me not to leave. But I am so confused. HELP!!!!!!! Does he LOVE ME??????How can I trust him a second time? What do you think of all of this?
It sounds like you don't have any problem with sharing your feelings. Have you talked with your husband about this with him in front of the counselor? What does the counselor think about your feelings about your husband cheating? Or your presumptions of him cheating?





19 years is a lot of time to let things like this go. I would suggest that you get some help and talk your feelings out first with a Godly counselor (because a worldly person might say that it is alright for your husband to feel this way), the world is getting stranger and stranger about marriage and relationships. We as a Nation should stand up to the things that are wrong and announce that we are not going to allow this into our homes and lives.





I will pray for your marriage and salvation in Jesus Christ. : )





Are you both Christians? I would seek God's answers for your lives. God has saved my marriage and now I answer to God directly and my wife gets the benefit of having a Godly man who leads his family with the Grace and Mercy God shows me to live.





I would read Romans and Corinthians. Start with Corinthians chapter seven and then move on to thirteen, then read Romans. God will direct your paths, so trust in Him. : )How can I trust him a second time? What do you think of all of this?
Divorce him. Tell him he had chances to prove he's trustworthy and he blew everyone of those chances.
To me, if it was just the woman on the email wanting to meet him for lunch, I wouldn't worry. It sounds like they are just good friends.





When you say he signed up for an adult site, do you mean a dating site or a porn site? If it's porn, just let it go. Nearly all men look at porn, and it's not a reflection on you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or doesn't find you attractive. Men (and some women) just like the visual stimulation sometimes.





If you're talking about an adult dating site, then that is a problem. To me, it would be counseling, or I am out of there. There's no reason to be on an adult dating site unless you are looking to cheat.





As for the myspace, it depends. Is he really flirting, or is he just friendly? Does he know these people, or is he seeking out random people on the internet?





If he's just friendly or talking to friends, I wouldn't worry. But if he's actively seeking out women on the internet, that's a cause for concern. And again, it would be counseling, or I'm out.
I can honestly tell you that this kind of behavior does not stop. You are reduced to the lowly status of a woman who is just hanging on to a cheating man, until further notice. And only HE can give you the further notice. And he won't. With 99% certainty. Faithful life is just too undramatic to ever go back to. There is no motivation for that. In fact, he'd even prefer the drama of a divorce than a faithful working marriage. Counseling is just yet another drama making him feel powerful. He'll feel some loss from the divorce, but he'll like the drama of it, and he'll welcome the following freedom.
First of all you should be proud you snooped. If you want to know something you got to do what you got to do to find out. Secondly, you NEED to tell your husband exactly how you feel about everything. Unless he gets your pain he cannot fix his actions because he stupidly is not realizing the consequences to his behavior. Talk to him. If your marriage has this great foundation he will get it. Good for you for being brave enough to snoop and confront him. Good luck!



I can't tell you whether or not he loves you because I'm not him. I would encourage you to return to couples therapy and let him hear some of the pain in your heart that you have shared here. I would also encourage you to continue in individual therapy because you need to love yourself MORE than you love your husband! You are in such obvious pain that I'm sure you are not hiding it as well as you think you are from your friends and family, so go back to couples therapy and remain in individual therapy, maybe step up your program or something. Right now you need a major source of support and some better coping mechanisms in place to help you sort through all of this. Good luck to you!
I would tell him he needs to stop the relationship or I am out. Because the past infidelity started kind of like this and grew into cheating so under the circumstances he shouldn't be emailing or having any types of sit downs with females. If he can't handle that and deal with it then his friendship must mean more than his marriage and that is unacceptable. Besides since when does a person who is '; just a friend '; with no other interest act funny around a spouse. Even if they are not sleeping together they have to forming some sort of bond.
No Need to worry the law and its system will completely help you it is the men who need to ask the question
If you suspect your spouse of cheating on you, you'll want to read this
I think you guys need to get rid of your computer, or get really slow internet which will loose interest quickly ( like dial up internet) to keep him away from any situations for him to cheat
I think I understand the feeling completely, you really sound like me so it is not peculiar to you. It's hard to say but men are naturally flirtatious in character, there is however, an exception to the rule. If you can, check on him less so you won't be more hurt. Tell him how much you hurt knowing that he does these things. Let me shock you, most men don't cheat their wives because they love them less, it's just in their nature, they probably don't think about their wives until the did is done and he is exposed, then they will now realise the consequences of their actions. Just pray. that's what I did, it may not work out immediately but it will at the long run. Good luck
Sorry but the vast majority of men cheat! That's the way of the world. I'm a single lady who aims to stay single as such i choose married men! Just because they're doing the same as me, having fun and they won't get all heavy on me and believe me there are loads of married men out there willing to play away and treat me like a princess! As for adult sites, if you mean porn so what? arn't all men interested in porn? What's the harm in that? Does he love you? i suspect you're comfortable to him. It's a roof over his head, meals cooked, clothes washed, family life. Will he cheat again? probably. But he's still coming home to you. You say you love him with all your heart so presumably, you've looked after yourself for him, still slim, still wear makeup, fancy undies and you're still willing to tease him and do nice things for him? If the answer to all that is yes then relax, he may have a fling but he'll probably stick around. If the answer is no, then maybe while you're addressing the issues about him you could take out some time to address those issues about yourself. If more WIVES remembered to stay LOVERS less men would have affairs. Good luck.